Yes, I have lost my feelings. For a long time, I didn't want this to happen, but today it did. I am truly defeated. I miss him. I miss hearing from him, I wait for him every hour. I am awake from my gaze, I know this sounds bad. I feel guilty about the introduction, I don't know who he is. But I feel like he is the answer. I accept all my failures, all my destruction. I can rise again, but with this growing feeling, I can only walk as usual, I can only sit and read a book until I fall asleep, or do my work as usual without anything special. Yes, I’m tired of everything. I rarely have long conversations with anyone. I speak a little with my mother, sometimes with my father. We might talk about politics and various things about the future. He often tells me that when he’s gone, I have to be able to live on my own. I try to be the best, I also always apologize to myself for pushing myself too hard, I’m not gentle with myself, I’m too ambitious to prioritize my own needs, so I don’t have time to think about myself needing to step back. I’m too greedy, I don’t sleep enough, and sometimes unfinished tasks and work follow me into my sleep. This is quite saddening; people might think I’m a remarkable woman. No, I’m an ordinary woman with weaknesses too. I cry while driving, sometimes sit alone in the park, and suddenly find myself crying about my life. Yes, I don’t need any praise; I’ve never wanted praise. I’ve found the answer—I just need a place to step back.
On the first day, I decided to sign up for an app. Then, he was the first person I messaged, the first person to appear on my feed, and the first person to respond to my message so kindly. I read all the captions on his feed, and some of his words made me cry, even though I didn’t know who he was or if his family was intact. But I’m sure he’s someone with a different perspective on life than most people. We’re different in education, culture, beliefs, tastes, lifestyle, and of course, work. He offered discussions that I’ve always followed, but here, the more you discuss perspectives, the more people will avoid you. They do it on purpose because it’s boring for them. Only oddballs like me are willing to discuss everything about the world. They prefer to discuss other people’s affairs; they don’t care about litter being thrown carelessly in public places or smoking in parks full of young children. They discuss life to become wealthy and powerful; they prioritize their ambitions without considering the harm to others. I am an entrepreneur, also a small trader like most, but I consider what will benefit me without harming others. I’ve never gone too far. I lost my best friend in a tragic accident. I lost someone who once sheltered me during my business struggles. Eventually, I realized I was truly alone and began to accept it. Those who bring love have never been found on this large island. They only brought trouble. They thought someone like me was too arrogant, and many criticized me as a cruel woman. I just upheld my principles. I wouldn’t give a chance to a man who only brought his penis to me. I could satisfy my desires on my own; I could handle it. Even with all the problems I faced, or the problems that came my way, I could solve them.
I walk in the darkness and only see the light from people’s houses. Sometimes my feet are injured by sharp wood, sometimes my calves are scraped by sharp grass, sometimes my hands are injured while fixing my bike, sometimes my face is bruised from falling off the bike, and sometimes my chest is blue and my thighs are scraped. I don’t cry about any of it. I can even go home, shower, and sleep as usual. Yes, my body seems to be designed to endure pain. Even if I were shot, tears wouldn’t come out. It’s so strange. How numb my pain has become. Perhaps all that’s left is spirit and effort. The rest is empty.
The traitors who now suffer a miserable fate, I know this is wrong, but unfortunately I know it's not my fault, it's you who came to me and took advantage of everything. If you blame me for everything, yes, I accept it, and I will make you suffer even more. You came, gave me weapons, and shot at me. I left the weapons behind and took all the bullets with me for seven years. Now you’ve felt the pain and heat of your own bullets. That’s how the world works—what you give is what you get back.
I’m an ordinary person, an ordinary woman, with big dreams and hopes. You destroyed my hopes, but you can’t touch my dreams. I just need a few more years and then I’ll leave here. I’ll make sure everything is settled, and nothing will be left behind. The safety of my family—as long as I’m here, my family will remain untouched, not even by a mosquito.
I have a God who has been with me all along. He is the one who gives me all the answers, and He is the one who allows all of this to come back to you.
When I pray in my prayers, when I pray in my destruction, when I pray for all the injustices of humanity, when I pray to be strong in facing problems. I never pray for myself; I pray for you who have destroyed me, I pray for your lives and your future. I accept my destruction, but I cannot forgive all your actions. I pray for the safety of some people and for those who have remained loyal to me all this time.
Regardless of where I met this person, we exchanged messages for a few days, and I could say that I eagerly awaited their messages. It seemed like they had entered my list of priorities. I don’t know if it was all coincidence or fate, but it felt like I always found light in every journey. At first, I thought about moving to Namibia in southern Africa. I thought the country was safe enough for me, but I haven’t found any light there since a year ago. However, I’m always reminded of other things, like news and information in the media highlighting Africa. That made me consider Namibia as a place to settle down. I hadn’t found any other options, so one night I opened my social media and saw a promotion for an app on my feed. I looked into it and found out it was a dating app. I felt a bit odd about using it at first, but my curiosity was strong that night, so I signed up.
After I finished, various profiles of people appeared, and someone shared the beauty of a place in their feed. Yes, my heart was drawn to it, and I opened that person’s profile. It turned out there was no name, no biography—just their interests and preferences. Then, after reading the caption on their feed, I realized a few things, and at that moment, I cried for a moment. At first, I didn’t intend to send them a message. I waited for a while, thinking I might make a mistake if I sent them a message. But I sent them a message anyway. A few minutes later, they replied. Then we started everything. We shared many things, from difficult topics to everyday topics. From asking questions to sharing some photos of nature, cities, daytime, morning, night, and music links accompanying our conversations. I thought he might get bored, but it turned out that June 11, 2025, was our last conversation because I decided to delete the app and give him my Telegram. My last words were, “If you need me, I’m here.” Yes, I hoped he would come and give me news on Telegram, but until today, he hasn’t appeared.
I feel empty again, and the lights of the houses I see are a little dim. I don’t know, but yesterday was a tough day for me. Every Telegram notification I receive, I open it, hoping the person I’m waiting for will give me news. I’m waiting for any news, no matter how heavy the topic or how difficult the news, to ease my longing for him. In this longing, I write down what I feel here, because I won’t tell my deceased friend about what I’m feeling now. I can’t go to the funeral to express my feelings, because I know you’d be angry if I kept coming and talking about so many things. Hahhhhhhhhhhh, I feel like shooting myself in the head. I feel like scratching the ground beneath my feet, I feel like punching this laptop. In the end, I know that keeping these feelings to myself is better than expressing them. Because expressing them seems pointless anyway. Returning to the next page, I feel very alive. When he appears behind those messages. I found my purpose, because of him.
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